I’ve had a revelation! After years of watching reality TV I’ve realised that the only thing standing between me and success is an awesome backstory! It seems that anyone who’s anyone has suffered for their art.
The only trouble I see is this – looking back through my own life story, I’m struggling to find some angst – any angst – that would qualify.
I’ve looked into addiction – but the closest I’ve ever come to any sort of substance abuse is my lifelong dependence on a long, hot cup of tea. Seven cups a day. Mmm-hmm! I tried to give up once, but after enduring a hellish 24-hour headache, I fell off the wagon with a sickening Darjeeling thud.
My next thought was homelessness – but, while we’ve moved around a lot, I’ve always had a roof over my head. I did try sleeping in a tent once. That ended badly, no-one got much sleep, but I don’t think that counts.
Broken home? No luck there either. To this day my parents still seem to like each other.
The only option left was bullying – but aside from a height challenged boss whose bald head turned a flaming red while he rocked on his toes and yelled up at me – I can’t really say I qualify for that one either.
So the only option left is invention.
I could be the secret love child of powerful statesman or the daughter of a pirate abandoned on the high seas. Perhaps I was jilted at the altar, buried alive, lost in the desert. This new life story has Hollywood blockbuster written all over it!
If nothing else I will enjoy the notoriety long enough to make a name for myself before being revealed in a dramatic expose. My story will be drafted into the annals of history and give my own kids a fabulous backstory to roll out when the time is right.
In the meantime, my plan to achieve success has just one more hurdle to overcome. Talent. Apparently I’ll need one of those too.